Amanda

The Metra whizzes past, its high whistle jarring on an otherwise quiet afternoon.  “You see how fast it comes by?!”, Amanda exclaims, “it comes and goes”.  We sit in her car on the side of the tracks, the same place where almost 11 years ago, she contemplated taking her life.  She describes the way the lights work on the front of the train, she would have to time it perfectly she explains, hopefully they wouldn’t even notice.


Even while having suicidal thoughts, Amanda considers other people. She would never take her life during the day, she tells me. People have to get to work.  There is a quiet matter-of-fact tone to her voice as she talks about sitting in her car for hours, thinking about killing herself. Appointments missed, classes ditched, a life left.  Who would miss her?   A sentiment, I think that we can all relate to. We all want to feel special, like we matter, like we are connected.
It can be such a quick decision, that one moment where killing yourself is the better than any other solution.  Leaving those that would miss you, wondering how did you not know that they were there, what happened to push you over that edge.  Amanda never reached that point, she says, she is lucky. Reason won out.  But not everyone is so lucky, it only takes a moment for reason to be overwhelmed.


Amanda recounts her family's battle with mental illness, her father having the distinction of being the only one that has not been hospitalized. She credits him with saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. She would think about that as she sat in her car, how jumping in front of the Metra train was a really permanent solution to a problem she couldn’t even define.  


 “It feels so far away” she says in response to being back at this location. Maybe it’s the years of life experience since then or maybe it’s the fact that Amanda has decided to live life moment by moment.  The thoughts don’t always go away, like an alcoholic doesn’t just stop wanting to drink. It’s a conscious decision to find something to live for.
These days, Amanda works a career that fulfills her, she volunteers often, is a certified scuba diver, and just recently joined a punk rock glee club.  She donates blood every couple of months and she credits it with giving her a reason to stay alive another day. Her blood could save a life, people need her.   


“It can never be as bad as you think it is”, she tells me, “as long as you continue to think about not doing it, the idea of killing yourself will become more and more distant”.  “There is someone hoping that you are okay right now, there is someone that is hoping you find some reason to get to the next minute and then the minute after that.”  
There is always something worth sticking around for. 


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Beautifully written & photographed by Kriss Abigail, who can be contacted for photoshoots at: krissabigail@gmail.com