“It felt like all too much at once.” At only 18, Karalyn had already been through a world of hurt. She lost her mother to cancer a month after her high-school graduation from breast cancer that had metastasized to her brain. Feeling like she was falling apart and unable to really deal with her grief, Kara moved to Chicago for college.
For a while, things were okay. She was able to come to terms with her sexuality and explore more artistic outlets. But underlying issues like chemical and hormonal imbalances plagued her. Panic and anxiety attacks were a part of her life.
It was during this time that Kara began her first real adult relationship. Her girlfriend Sky is 28 years her senior and a source of the all-encompassing love that Kara sorely lacked in her life at the time. Inseparable and madly in love, it was a relationship that few believed in. But they believed in each other. However, a few months into their relationship, a misunderstanding led to their first big fight.
“We had a fight,” Sky tells me, the quiet tone of her voice belying her disbelief at the events that transpired after. It never occurred to her that Kara would consider taking her life as a result. “I lost it,” Kara says. “I couldn’t make things right.” Running away had been Kara’s constant companion in dealing with conflict and this time was no different.
She sat in her bathroom, a belly full of Xanax and a blunt kitchen knife. As we talk, my eyes are drawn to the two delicate scars on her left wrist. She explains that the kitchen knife wasn’t sharp enough, so she used her dressmaking shears. A talented fashion designer and costumer, Kara resorted to using an instrument of her art to end her life. Her right wrist is devoid of such scars, “I just wanted to talk to someone.” Kara explains that she had called her brother, who managed to talk her down. Her family quickly whisked her away to their home back in Michigan for a few weeks.
Sky received a phone call the next day that destroyed her. “There was this silence and I knew that the next words were going to be that she tried to hurt herself.” The love of her life had tried to kill herself and she couldn’t be with her. Nightmares of Kara committing suicide plagued Sky for weeks and even now, she still worries. “There is NOTHING that two people who love each other can’t talk about or work through.” She emphasizes this a few times during our conversation, occasionally looking over to see if Kara is in agreement. She is.
Kara suffered for a long time undiagnosed with chemical and hormonal imbalances. “Medication can be scary,” she admits, but goes on to say that sometimes, it’s just necessary. Her body was out of whack, sending surges of adrenaline and frying her nerves. After some therapy and medication, Kara finally feels peace. She was given a clean slate. This time, she’s making the best of the life she was given.
Two years after her attempt, Kara is a college graduate and is celebrating her two years of bliss with Sky. They have recently officially moved in together, with their cats and a garden. Sky actually takes a break from our interview to ask Kara to move the strawberries into the sunlight. Their bond is palatable. Their love undeniable. “It made us stronger,” Kara tells me as she kisses the top of Sky’s head. She understands now that all her emotions are valid and should be expressed. She is worthy of living.
The grief of losing her mom is still evident in Kara’s eyes, and in the way she softly recalls her mom. Together, Sky and Kara have given her a place of honor in their relationship. They celebrate her memory with their happiness and joy.
“It hurts all the people that love you,” Kara explains as the reason that she would never attempt suicide again. She advises that one should always surround themselves with people who love them absolutely. To remember that they are people in the world that love you and will help you. Sky agrees with this sentiment, she is quick to advocate for Kara and asks for others to do the same for their loved ones. “If you are close enough to notice someone needs help, help them,” she states. Be brave enough to say something is wrong and you need more help than I can give and I will do whatever I can to get you that help. Don’t ignore it, don’t think it will just go away.
As I end our interview, Sky smiles at me and says “You never know when you are going to be the bitch that makes the difference in someone’s life.” Kara smiles big at that comment and I know that for her, love has made all the difference.
--
Beautifully written & photographed by Kriss Abigail, who can be contacted for photoshoots at: krissabigail@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment